Monitoring Appointment

On October 24^th I packed my bag, kissed my husband goodbye and reminded my tearful daughters that mommy would be back the very next day and that even though we will miss each other like crazy, sometimes we sacrifice to help others, especially family. My daughters, ages 11 and 7 are so strong and wise beyond their years for understanding this concept so clearly. Surrogacy does not just affect the Surrogate, but it has a ripple effect though the surrogate’s whole family. It is a team effort, everyone has to help, each person inevitably has to give up a little bit and in the end ultimately we all get to rejoice and celebrate together. After giving all the hugs and love we could possibly muster, I walked the 2 minutes to the BART station and took the train to the airport. I love to travel, I love to be in the midst of the hustle and bustle, people watching, sometimes silently judging, often making up history’s and pasts and wondering why they are traveling to their destination. I get to the airport, get through security, grab me a Starbucks and walked up to my gate. As I was approaching my gate number an airport worker kindly let me know my zipper was down. These were tight jeans, so when the zipper is down…its ALL on display if you know what I mean. GREAT Amanda! You let everyone on BART, then everyone on the connector train from BART to the Airport and then every man woman and child in the airport see all the goods. I guess I shouldn’t be too embarrassed, as a surrogate more people have seen that area than I can even begin to count. Whatever, I zipped up, and sat down at my gate and enjoyed one of my last Venti Iced Coffees and began texting my besties all about my zipper conundrum. 

Then a middle aged business man in a suit and tie who was sitting across from me comes over and says “excuse me Miss, can you watch my bags and jacket so I can go over and get a coffee” I laughed thinking he was joking because is that NOT the cardinal rule of airports? They repeat that rule 10,000 times over the loud speaker “Do not leave your bag unattended for any reason, do not watch other people’s belongings of bags, report all unattended baggage immediately” But this man looked at me, dead serious, waiting for my response so I said “uhm…well that’s against the rules” feeling like I sounded like a child but also wondering if this was security testing people or maybe a “what would you do” type show. Again, dead serious and a little taken aback that I said he, he says “I am just going to Starbucks, right there” as he pointed to the Starbucks that was about 4 gates away. I said “No, I won’t do that. That is against the rules and we can both get in trouble” (again…I realize I sounded like a 3^rd grader but whatever) he was so shocked that I said no. It was so strange, has he NEVER flown before nor heard the announcements on replay saying to NOT do that? So he walked back to his bag all frustrated, rolled it a few seat rows closer to the Starbucks and walked off to get his coffee, a few other passengers and I all exchanged strange looks, I was glad to know I was not the only one wondering what we should do. Then I made eye contact with the gate attendant who saw him walk off and she went to go get him. He then comes back after being reprimanded by the attendant, grabs his bag and wheels it to go get his coffee making it obvious that he is so inconvenienced having to wheel is belongings around….welcome to the airport life buddy, we all have to do juggle a million things at once. So he gets back with his coffee and bag and gives me a glare like I just ruined his entire life, I rolled my eyes in return. This guy then realizes he needs somethings, so he placed his coffee, lid OFF on the ground of the airport, and left that and his bags to go walk back to Starbucks. We all just looked at each other like “what is up with this guy?!” He came back, drank his coffee and life went on. I know that is not a Surrogate related story but it we noteworthy nonetheless. The flight was smooth and quick, I landed, did a few “oohs and aahhs” at the size of this airport and went out to meet my IP’s. They greeted me with the biggest smile and warm welcome and we were off to the hotel. Which was amazing! We spent the day in the pool and traveling down the lazy river, laughing, catching up and talking about the excitement that lays ahead. We went to dinner then to ice cream at the best ice cream place ever! That night IF had to give me my delestrogen shot. Up until then I had never given myself the large shot, I always had my husband do it. So despite how many times I tried in the mirror I just couldn’t. I was thankful they were there to help!

The next morning we got up and headed to the monitoring appointment, I struggled though that morning with a headache that almost borderlined a migraine. Lupron tends to give me awful headaches. We got to the Fertility Clinic and I met our doctor for the first time (I have spoken to him on the phone prior) he is awesome, so funny, so positive, just a happy person in general. He measured my lining and reported that my lining was measuring 17mm which is OUTSTANDING! I think 13 was the thickest it has ever been before with my last surrogacy’s and 13 was impressive. I joked that no embryo was escaping this 17! Lol Then we raced like mad men to the airport as the appointment was running late and we had less than an hour until my plane leaves. We quickly said our goodbyes and I ran to my gate just in time. The plane departed and I was so joyous and hopeful that everything in the next week would work out perfectly.    

Medication Run Down and my rants

I thought that once contracts were done, things would be a piece of cake. I was wrong. Lately I feel like I have been pulled in a million different directions all at once. I have such a busy life in general, I coach cheer for my oldest daughters team which means more often than not I am out of the house from 6am- 8:30pm for work, school carpool pick-ups and practice, my husband coaches soccer for our youngest daughters team which has him out of the house all day a few times a week, we each have full time jobs, our nephew is going through chemo so we are trying to do what we can for him and his parents but really, it is just weighing heavily on us, I have an ex-husband who tries his hardest to make life more difficult than it needs to be, my oldest just started middle school so all you moms with pre-teens understand the struggle of that, in the middle of all that I am trying to be the best mom and the best wife and somehow keep up on laundry, which, let’s face it, is a lost cause (I literally sprayed my daughters school uniform with febreze last week before I rushed to work..and for a second, I really questioned whether I should have been entrusted with these perfect little humans, then decided who cares, they smell spring fresh lol)…I know I am just one of countless other moms who feel they have no time to breath and I am no more special then they are at all but then I decided to add an independent surrogacy journey into the mix. I am not complaining or regretting this by any means! I know that I am capable of doing it all and I am beyond thankful for the fact that I have this crazy schedule, it means I have a family, a beautiful, busy, learning, growing, able-bodied family and I would not trade it for the world. I think I am mainly writing this down as my way of working through the crazy and my apology to my friends and family who are not aware of the surrogacy and might be questioning why I have been so distant, or if you have been around me you may be wondering if I am slowly losing my mind… I can’t definitively answer the later but I guess we will all find out eventually lol. But that is all for my whining today, let’s just blame the hormones, ‘kay?

*Side note…..if you guys don’t have a husband like mine you are sorely missing out! This guy has been my rock though this! It is impossible to love a man more than I love him and I think it is impossible for a man to love his wife more than he loves me. Knowing and feeling that kind of love is the most amazing thing and after 10 years?! puhlease…how lucky am I?!*

Isn't he divine?! #LuckiestWifeInTheWorld

Contracts finished 9/25/17. Everything went smooth, like I said, it helps when you and the IPs are on the same page and understand the need for each party to be fully covered. We trust each other, but it is so important to be safe and covered legally. I have seen way too many surrogates and parents get screwed because they “trusted” each other enough and didn’t get the correct legal protections.

The Surrogate Christmas!

Anywhoo…as soon as contracts were done I got that beautiful package every surrogate looks forward to; The surrogate Christmas! That giant box full of needles that will sting and leave bruises and lumps for months, bottles of hormones that will cause you to burst into tears at any commercial that remotely ends sadly, or too happy, or just ends at all. Pills that will turn your tummy upside down and throw you into a fit of rage when you can’t open the peanut butter jar….all those ingredients make a surrogate giddy with excitement because the end result is this miracle pregnancy, the faint little pink line the eventually turns into this beating heart (or two!) and makes this amazing astounding dream come true, so that my IM can feel all the crazy feelings I expressed in the first paragraph. It is so amazing and so worth every second!

The Medication Run Down:

Lurpon

I have been taking prenatal vitamins to get my body ready as well as a low-dose aspirin daily. The aspirin aids in blood flow to the uterus, essentially helping the embryo find a nice cozy place to implant itself.

I started Lupron on 10/4. These are tiny little diabetic sized needles. A small amount of Lupron is injected every morning into the stomach. Some can do arms and upper thighs but I have plenty of cushion so the stomach hurts less for me lol. Lurpon basically suppresses the pituitary stimulation to the ovaries, essentially just turning them off.

I take a steroid oral tablet every morning, which basically just aids my body in accepting the medications and preventing infection.  

Steak Knife Time

I began taking estradiol injections twice a week. This is the injection I hate, it is a giant needle, an 18 gauge needle to be exact, if you don’t know what that looks like, imagine a steak knife. Okay, maybe it is not that big, but it hurts. Some surrogates, like my good friend “Dee”, says it does not hurt at all. I think they are lying to themselves haha. Thankfully this is just twice a week. I am going to be honest and let you know that I am not 100% sure what this does. All I took from the research was it helps aid in the next wave of medications come transfer time.

Tomorrow, 10/17 I will have an intralipid infusion. This is brand new to me. My last two surrogate protocols did not have this one. This is administered via IV over the course of 1-2hours. It is a mixture of super wholesome goodness that will be pumped into me to get this rig into tip top shape to carry a baby. I am kind of hoping that after this infusion is done, I will feel like superwoman and have the energy and ability to not only finish the aforementioned laundry when I get home, but to get everything on my to-do list done with time to spare before carpool at 4pm, a girl can dream! This particular item proved to be one of the most difficult tasks to get on the books. My doctors office could not perform it, no big deal, there are several fertility tests they do not perform.  So IM and I began looking at other clinics and locations. After a month of searching we determined that there was no place near me that will do this and some places wanted to charge over $1000 for this procedure! We finally found a place that was a reasonable price and only an hour drive from my house. Once we called them, we ran into another issue. The fertility clinic we are using is out of state, and the infusion center needed a California doctors signature on the order just to prove that I have a doctor who can care for me if the need arose. So I called my regular doctor who said she cannot sign the form and fertility treatments are not her specialty, and suggested that my OBGYN could sign. I got a hold of my OBGYN who told me he cannot sign the form either as this is out of his area of expertise. So I worked with the very helpful woman at the infusion place and we figured that part out. Next, the infusion center needed basic information and demographics for me provided by my doctor, once again I reached out to both my regular doctor and my OB each said they could not help me. I understood the denial of my first request because they are not fertility doctors and cannot sign a fertility order however, I didn’t see why they couldn’t simply forward just my basic information and general health questionnaire. But like I said, they have their own way of doing things, it works for them but makes it way more difficult for us. Thankfully the fertility clinic we are using came to the rescue and got that part of it done for me.

At the same time I was panicking trying to figure out how to get this infusion done on the day it was required. The fertility clinic called me saying they were missing several blood tests and needed them THAT NIGHT or I would not be cleared to begin the EV2 injections, which would throw the entire cycle off. This weighed so heavily on me. I was in a double panic! Last month I was given a paper with about 700 different blood tests (if you don’t know by now…I might have a tendency to exaggerate) that needed to be done. I handed it to by OB during my physical and he circled the ones that he could not perform because they were strictly for a fertility clinic. He performed all the rest. I then took that list to a local fertility clinic and got the rest done. The tests our main clinic was missing were the ones I had done earlier that week, once I realized that, I was a bit calmer, as I knew they were at least done, but the labs were not sent to the main clinic yet. But it turns out one of the 7billion blood tests got lost in the chaos and was not done by my doctors or the local fertility clinic. Thankfully it was one that the main clinic said they can perform when I go see them next week. (Did I confuse you yet with the Main clinic  vs local clinic? Lol) finally that was all settled along with the infusion issues at the same time late Friday night. Once those were done it was such a weight lifted off my shoulders. We were still a-go for this cycle! WHEW!

This next week looks like it will be smooth sailing. All the tests are figured out and/or done. All that I need to do is go get hooked up to an IV tomorrow and be forced to sit and do nothing for a few hours. That sounds lovely!  Next week I am flying out of state to meet up with the IPs, stay in an awesome hotel with them, go to a doctors appointment at the main clinic in the morning and then enjoy the evening with the parents. I will fly back home the following day, just in time to celebrate my youngest daughters 7^th birthday. It is crazy to me that we are already here! The last monitoring appointment before the transfer! It is so exciting! My husband and I did decide we felt it was best if he stayed with the kids during the transfer. I am a little bummed I won’t have him by my side, but I am glad he will be home to take the kids trick-or-treating and keep them to a normal schedule. I am so excited for what is to come! I am already looking forward to taking 100 pregnancy tests and being able to tell the parents that we are pregnant! 

Independent Surrogacy

This post was written on 9/12/17 and posted at a later date because *insert clever rational*...... I forgot.....

This independent route is not for the weak! I was so spoiled with my last journey, the agency I was using was fantastic, more so was my amazing coordinator, all I needed to do was go to appointments that were already scheduled for me and to read and sign papers that were always sent in a timely manner. Any questions I had, I just emailed my amazing coordinator (who I still run to with questions!) and she had an answer for me right away. This time there is no coordinator, it is just me and the intended parents doing all the leg work, all the research, all the appointment making, all the scheduling, on top of it, we are in a time crunch. Everything needs to be done in less than three months. Hiring attorneys, finding clinics to pre-screen, tests to take, countless forms to fill out, insurance review and submissions, medical records to be submitted, drafting up a contract, not to mention my current health plan is not the easiest to work with when it comes to surrogacy, Kaiser has their own way of doing things, they have made great strides in certain areas but I personally feel they are lacking in the area of fertility and surrogacy making certain tests and appointments almost impossible. The never ending list goes on and on. Everyday there is something to be researched, filled out, or submitted. An appointment to attend or someone to be called, or just me sitting here dumbfounded on what to do next. I knew doing this independently would be hard work but I never knew how much. I am so thankful for the intended mother and father who are incredible and helping me book appointments and fill out forms, and just being a joy to do this with. It has been such a help, and really great to know that we are in this together. Even with my last surrogacies, it was me doing my part, the parents doing theirs and that’s it. This time around it is defiantly a team effort. I think it has to be when doing a surrogacy independently, there has to be trust, understanding and team work. Each person has to be willing to do their part and be eager to help the other parties when needed. Thankfully we got that part down!

We have our official transfer date! October 31^st! I love that it will be on Halloween! Talk about perfect timing - that is after the official cheer season and before nationals competition season starts so the time frame is perfect for me. As we are getting closer I am becoming more and more excited about this. For the first time my husband will be joining me during the transfer. For the previous transfers I always had my mom come along while my husband would stay with the kids, the same with the birth. We decided this was what we felt was right. He is a very hands on dad and was there for me all though my pregnancy, delivery and beyond with our own daughter and he was so supportive during the surrogate pregnancies (he was the only one who I trusted to give me the nightly shots, because I could not do them myself) but we felt that is where his role began and ended. He did not need to be there for the transfer or for delivery, we would much rather him be with our children so they did not feel they had to sacrifice their time or attention for this journey. We felt that those special moments of transfer and delivery was for the parents and myself to experience together as this was my journey and their child. Every couple has their own feelings on this but this was just ours and it worked for us. However, this time around we have had a relationship with these parents for many years and we decided it would be our way of showing them we both support them and we are ALL in this together.

We are excited to get this party started! Now to finish with contracts and get those meds! 

Watermelon Seeds

Okay, I will be the first to admit that I completely and utterly failed on the whole "blog" thing during my last surrogate adventure. I am in the beginning processes of starting journey number three and I want to document this particular journey for reasons that will be discussed later but also because already this has been the most heart felt and meaningful surrogacy to me, my heart is full already and we are still a whole 3 months away from getting knocked up. 

So lets recap the last surrogate adventure:
I met my intended parents through the agency I was using at the time. These guys were great. Immediately we hit it off and we knew that this was the path that was meant for us all. We transferred two embryos using one Intended Fathers (IF) sperm and donor eggs. A few weeks later we were able to locate one amazing heart beat. Fast forward a few months and we found out it was a boy! My husband thinks I am destined to have all surrogate boys (the twins in the first journey were also both boys). The pregnancy was smooth and easy like the others. Everything was going great. At about 33 weeks I started feeling like my bladder was failing me. I felt like every time I moved I was "sprinkling" myself a little. I didn't think much of it, any woman who has been pregnant knows this is not the most uncommon thing especially after I just carried 6lb twins the year before. So for a week I just went about my day, trying to ignore my lazy, no-good bladder. Then I started to question what was really going on...this liquid did not seem to be very urine-y, and it was now leaking at a more consistent and heavier rate. I talked to some of my close surro sisters and they suggested going to Labor and Delivery (L&D) to get checked out in case it was my water leaking. I resisted for a day thinking how embarrassed I will be if I go in there to check and they are like "Amanda...you are just pissing yourself, go get some depends and go home." Eventually my mom talked me into calling. Sure enough L&D wanted me to come get checked. We left my office and headed to the hospital. I did not bring anything expect my purse because..why?! They were just going to send me home (btw: why is that every pregnant woman's fear?). I get settled in on the triage bed and the nurse tested the liquid with this popsicle stick looking thing and the stupid stick turned bright blue! "what does that mean!?" I asked. The nurse says "Honey, that means you better get comfortable, because you are not leaving until you deliver that baby." I then proceeded to cry. Because when you are 33 weeks pregnant, that is the most reasonable solution to any problem. Duh. 

I was then moved to my "permanent" room and awaited my doctor. She came a few hours later and just shook her head. I loved my doctor, she was a no none sense woman. She never failed to tell it like it is. She performed an ultrasound to check the water lever. Surprisingly my water still looked full and baby was happy. She informed me that I was now on Hospital Bed Rest until the delivery of this baby. I was to lay in the awful hospital bed all day, only getting up to use the rest room. They were concerned that any wrong move would create a larger tear and lead to me delivering the baby before he was ready. They pumped me full of steroids to mature his lungs just in case. I informed the dads and they spoke with my doctor. The plan was to have me cook baby as long as he would stay. I spent a week in that room. It was a very lonely week. Major kudos to my husband who took over the kids, the house, the pets, the cheer practice runs, the dance practice runs, the school pick up and drop off and still managed to come by every day after work to visit and entertain me. I know that could not be easy on him. But like I have said before, he is amazing! People would visit here and there after work but there were so many hours of the day that I sat there alone. 

The guilt set in.

I questioned what I did wrong, what I could have done to prevent this. I felt guilty about leaving my girls and husband. I was missing work. Most of all I felt like I had failed my the babys dads. They trusted me with this little soul and somehow I messed it up. I was very hard on myself. *Now, 2 years later I look back with a clear head and can see that it was that week that the Postpartum Depression that I battled for a few months after this birth began to rear its ugly head.* A certain accumulation of circumstances arose which lead to the decision that I would be induced early in the morning on August 29th, 2016. I was exactly 34 weeks. The dads came in the day before and we had a great visit and we were all ready to meet this little trouble maker of a baby.

D-Day:
I woke up at 5am on induction day, I had to make sure I had time to do full hair and makeup before we got this party started. My births are always CRAZY fast! first contraction to baby is about 3-4 hours on average for me. Soon the dads, their parents, my mom and the amazing Janae Krell from AllThingsSurrogacy.org who I am lucky enough to have become great friends with, all arrived at the hospital. We started the pitocin at 6am and my doctor said she was going to grab some food and she will be back to deliver. She told the nurses "Once that pitiocin starts, she will be pushing in no time, call me if i am not back in time." We were ready! We laughed and talked and joked...I walked the halls...hour 1 passed...then hour 2...then hour 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 passed....NOTHING! I was still talking through the small contractions. I walked, I squatted, I bounced, I tried all the positions to get this thing rolling and nothing. By hour 12 they have the pitocin jacked up to the highest setting of 10. This baby did not want to come. All of a sudden BAM! Contractions from hell. It was like my body finally accepted the 12 hours of crazy amounts of pitocin being pumped into me. I had back to back contractions, and when I say that, I mean PEAK TO PEAK contractions. There was no break or "down hill" marks on the contraction monitor it was peak to peak to peak. I was shaking, crying and beginning to hyperventilate. My body was becoming overwhelmed with the unrelenting contractions. The nurses and doctors were worried they knew this was not safe for me or baby. They cranked the machine down and let my body take over. It took a while for the contractions to calm down and I was then able to get an epidural. Finally at hour 17 little 6lb baby "S" was delivered. All the nurses were in tears and even my tough usually emotionless doctor was crying. It was truly an emotional and beautiful delivery. Once I was moved back to recovery the nurse hugged me and told me how awe struck she was and that she will never forget this birth, her first surrogate experience. I cried, shoved a sandwich in my face (I had not eaten anything in over 24hours at that point) and got some much needed sleep. 
In the weeks and months that followed I battled PPD and anxiety. I have never had it with any other pregnancy. I spoke with my doctor and got the help I needed and I am back to myself again. I don't feel like getting into that right now though.

Today baby "S" is a happy beautiful baby. His dads are looking for a surrogate to give him a sibling. I cannot wait to see pictures of baby "S" as a big brother. I didn't plan to be a surrogate again. I was not against it but surrogacy is hard. It is incredibly beautiful and fulfilling but it is a physically demanding task. So I just went about my busy life. 

Earlier this year someone very close to my heart inquired about using a surrogate to achieve their dreams of having a child. I gave them all the information I could. After talking back and forth for a while giving her suggestions on how to find a surrogate, an agency, the legal aspects, and just what to expect in general, I got those little butterflies. For us surrogates, these butterflies don't reside in our stomachs but in our hearts and wombs. Alright, that was super cheesy..but whatever...it was a cheese-ball moment, okay?! Eventually my bleeding heart offered to be their surrogate so that they wouldn't have to endure the high fees of an agency or have to compensate a surrogate. Also, we know and trust each other. I trust them with every part of me and I imagine they trust me just as much because they were overjoyed at my offer. I am so excited about this journey. It will be amazing! Currently I have been screened and approved by their fertility clinic they are in discussions with a lawyer. So stay tuned, there is more to come and I cannot wait until we can tell everyone that there is a baby on the way for this amazing couple! 

Xoxo